The Royals

I have a love/hate relationship with the royals. Actually,  that’s not really true. I’m probably a bit indifferent to them, if the truth be told.

I’m pretty sure we’re not going to have a revolution anytime soon, so instead of “Vive la republique”, it’s “Happy Birthday Your Majesty”, and here’s another piece of commemorative tat, and let’s all just get on with it, royals and all.

Happy Birthday Your Majesty

Happy Birthday Your Majesty

And that’s where my actual relationship with them comes in. I’m a wee bit addicted to royal memorabilia. Mugs with the royals on them; tins, plates, jigsaws, glasses – anything really. And I can’t explain it.

Royal tins

Royal tins

Whilst it is irritating to have news coverage dominated by a young couple on some trip that we the tax-payer have funded; and listening to royal sycophant Nicholas Witchell wax lyrical about people who probably don’t even like him makes me want to claw my eyes out, I do have a bit of a problem when I see something with the royals on it.

Of course, it isn’t actually funny. They’re kind of like our Kardashians really, except we pay for them, and we don’t get to see the interesting parts of their lives, just the boring, hand-shaking parts.

Things I can use to store makeup brushes, and toothbrush cups, and plant holders, you know?

Coronation tat

Coronation tat

Not, usually, NEW tat, but that of the ‘vintage’ variety, and preferably with either a young Queen, or Charles and Lady Princess Di, as I have always liked to call her, on it.

When I was in my 20s, Princess Diana was the most famous woman in the world. She was omnipresent. The world was obsessed with her – and let’s face it, it did turn into quite a good story, didn’t it?  The young, beautiful Princess, so badly treated by the evil royals, and her, ahem, rather unattractive, slightly odd, older Prince. And then she died. Mysteriously. What an ending!

Charles and Diana

Charles and Diana

In all seriousness, I was very sad when Diana died -she was a mother of two young sons, and it was a horrible death, and the Queen didn’t behave very well at all back then.

But, she’s 90 now, and old ladies – well, we tend to forget they were ever anything other than old ladies don’t we?  And we think they’re all lovely, like your gran, and have sweeties in their handbags, and spend their evenings knitting. Which is just nonsense really, because apparently the Queen’s mum, the, er, Queen Mother, who lived until she was, what, 400, was a bit of an old battle-axe, and loved gin more than sweeties or knitting.

Queen Elizabeth Coronation 1953 glasses

Queen Elizabeth Coronation 1953 glasses

And the Queen’s hardly known for her snorting laugh and jolly demeanour, is she?

I have a mug commemorating the Queen Mother’s 90th birthday actually (really, just don’t ask). So, when I saw that Cath Kidston (of course!) had a “Happy Birthday Your Majesty” range, I had to have a wee look – and then I found myself in the store, buying a mug.

I reached 90 and all I got was this mug..

I reached 90 and all I got was this mug..

And it’s not even a good one. I don’t know, it’s an affliction. A bit like Prince Charles’s letter-writing…

I had a Royal themed 40th in 2011, because of a Royal wedding that year – and I wanted a themed fancy dress party, because, well, it was my 40th. I went as Princess Margaret. She was definitely my favourite. I did a very good impression of her too – I smoked a lot, I drank a lot, I demanded a lot, and I also bandaged up my feet in a bad taste impersonation of her.

That Margaret was a one..

That Margaret was a one..

I know, I know, but it was fun. I’m not a big fan of the Kate and William stuff – I was given it as a joke gift at aforementioned royal party.

William and Kate, Anne and Mark..

William and Kate, Anne and Mark..

I think my favourite mug has to be the Anne and Mark  one – who, I hear you say? Exactly! I’ve yet to succumb to a Duke of York and Sarah Ferguson piece – remember her, all red hair and toe-sucking, and God, these royals – what are they like?!

Of course, it isn’t actually funny. They’re kind of like our Kardashians really, except we pay for them, and we don’t get to see the interesting parts of their lives, just the boring, hand-shaking parts.

And we’re all expected to forget that the world’s gone a wee bit mad, that the Tories are making a right mess of being in power, that Donald Trump is running for presidential candidate nomination in the USA, that there are terrorists on the loose, that there are so many refugees stranded around the world, and that there are so many starving children in our own country, and that Megan from Ex on the Beach is ruining TOWIE… and celebrate an old lady reaching 90!

I’m just not having it. Come back to me in 10 years when she’s sending herself a telegram for reaching 100, and I might have a vol-au-vent and a wee glass of fizz. Until then, maybe just a cup of tea out of one of my many royal mugs…

 

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2 Comments

  1. Sarah Brown
    April 22, 2016 / 22:31

    Thought this article was great. Should have been in a magazine or newspaper.

    • Merle
      April 23, 2016 / 00:38

      I’ve still got it then! I should have tried to pitch it. Next time!